Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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