How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
