On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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