Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
