I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
