i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
