This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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