have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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