you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
