I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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