It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
