Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
