I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
