So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
