Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
