So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
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I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
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fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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