just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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