My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Holy sore nipples Batman
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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