I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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