screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
