So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
