Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
