i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
