If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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