He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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