Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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