nut hugger
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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