The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
