chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
