Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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