Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
