he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
