textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
