the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
