i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
