Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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