So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
