Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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