how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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