I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
