I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
