turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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