Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
