K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
