you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
