Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
