You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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