I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.