I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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