Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.