chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
