I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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