Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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