She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
