her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
