First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
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This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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