I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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